So I have severe peanut/nut allergy, you know, the kind where your throat closes up and you die. I’m really used to it, and I don’t even think about it unless I’m eating somewhere new. Anyway, some tips for those who don’t have/don’t know anyone to be cool enough to have a nut allergy.
1. Don’t mother fucking touch my epi-pen:
- Yeah, I know it’s cool. It’s also a big needle that I need. So don’t take it out of its case, because if that bitch goes off it could A) stab you and B) can’t be used again. So don’t make me waste my money on a new one.
2. Cool, you baked something.
- I’m kind of a sugar addict. Cake is my favorite. But please don’t push your cookies on me. When I say no thank you, the conversation usually goes like this:
Friend: Have a cookie!
Me: No, thank you. They look really good, though.
Friend: C’mon, just one.
Me: No, thank you. I’m allergic to nuts.
Friend: I didn’t put any nuts in them.
Me: But even a trace amount could kill me, so I’d rather play it safe.
Friend: I promise there are no nuts.
Me: Oh, you’re sure? Fine. Cool. Give me a fucking cookie.
Then I walk away and throw it in the trash.
3. Please don’t play the “so you’ve never had a” game with me.
- It could go on forever. I’ll tell you right now, I’ve never had a twinkie, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, M&M, nutella, or pecan pie. They all either have nuts or a nut warning.
4. Ask before you eat.
- Luckily, I’m one of those who only has a reaction when I eat nuts. Others are not so fortunate and can react just by smelling it. So just to be on the safe side, ask your nut-free friend before you unwrap you’re nasty-smelling peanut filth sandwich.
5. Don’t feel guilty about eating nut-objects near me.
- As long as you partake in #4, don’t make a big deal out of eating nuts near me. Really, I’m used to it. My brothers eat Reese’s peanut butter cups in front of me. I buy my mom hazelnut candies for Christmas. It’s cool.